Healthy boundaries for Toddlers: Bedtime struggles, transitions & more

At around 18 months of age, your toddler may start to assert their independence and test boundaries. This indicates their healthy development!

Your toddler begins to explore their autonomy at this age, which is a critical stage in their development. In this post, we'll dive into the importance of establishing healthy boundaries for toddlers, and offer practical strategies to help you navigate this developmental phase.

My child is under 18 months old

My child is 18 months or older

Why are boundaries important? Does my toddler really need them?

Is setting boundaries supposed to feel tough?

How can I go about setting healthy limits?

When are boundaries really needed?

My child is under 18 months

For toddlers younger than 18 months, limits can be implemented through simple redirection - “It’s not your turn to play with that toy right now, let’s wait for your turn,” and simply offer another toy or remove them to an area with other options. If they protest, offer them physical and emotional reassurance. Let them know that you understand how hard it must feel!

My child is 18 months or older

At around 18 months, young toddlers begin to understand they have their own will and are eager to make their mark in the world. They want to make their own choices and have control. This can raise challenges for parents - such as bedtime resistance, protest against getting through sleep routines or even through simple transitions between everyday activities. Children who have big and intense reactions, or are cautious by temperament might protest more and longer. The best way to navigate this situation is to establish and hold down healthy boundaries.

Why are boundaries important? Does my toddler really need them? 

Boundaries are not just rules for toddlers, but a necessary part of their healthy development. They are a framework within which toddlers can explore the world safely. From a young age, toddlers have a need to understand what's expected of them. This helps them feel secure and supported, even when they test limits.

Healthy boundaries do more than just keep children safe; they teach them how the world works. By consistently enforcing boundaries, parents provide their children with a predictable environment where they can learn and thrive. Children who experience boundaries from an early age are better equipped to handle personal relationships and challenges as they grow.

Is setting boundaries supposed to feel tough?

Setting boundaries can feel tough for parents, especially when faced with tears or tantrums. However, remember that by doing so, you are not stifling their independence; you are nurturing it within a safe framework. Setting clear and consistent boundaries allows our children to stop testing limits and to start enjoying childhood with a sense of safety. Toddlers might cry and protest against boundaries because they lack the ability to regulate the difficult feelings that arise from limit setting. They want what they want and don’t have the ability to handle difficult feelings when they can’t have it. The key is to provide your toddler emotional support while holding down the limits. It’s normal and natural for your toddler to test boundaries in order to learn what’s acceptable.

Without clear boundaries, toddlers might continue to test how far the limits stretch. Children raised without consistent boundaries may end up feeling insecure and miss out on the joyful freedom they deserve.

How can I go about setting healthy limits?

1. Anticipate and prepare for resistance
   • Let your toddler know that it is soon time for the next activity.
     Concrete warnings can help some kids - “This is the last book before we need to lie down in bed.”
   • Understanding that another activity starts when the current activity will end can make the transition easier for them.
     • Set a timer. A visual timer can help if they continue to protest.
     • Make a poster of pictures showcasing activities in their daily routines, and walk them through it. This helps them know what to expect next.

1. • Offer them a choice of object to bring with them during the transition, like a book or a toy. 
     I have personally found that allowing my toddler to hold their last read book while settling into bed helps the transition into lying down for sleep. This can vary depending on the child’s temperament; it’s best to test different strategies to find what works for your child.
   • Plan in some buffer time for transitions, giving both baby and you time to adapt.
2. Give choices within limits
   • The key to providing choices to toddlers is to ensure that both choices lead to the boundary being implemented.
     “Do you want to skip or hop to bed?”, “Do you want mom or dad to help you brush your teeth?”. Choices give them an opportunity to assert their independence within established limits.
3. Name their emotions and redirect
   • Connect with them emotionally first by acknowledging their feeling.
     In a dysregulated state, you need to first connect with your toddler's right brain which controls their emotions. “I can see you’re upset because you really want to play right now.” Or “It looks like you’re feeling frustrated right now. Can you say I’m frustrated?”
   • Once they feel understood, redirect their behavior.
     “I can see you’re upset because you really want to play right now. How about we go read your favorite book together?” OR “I understand you don’t want to take a nap. Do you want to find your favorite stuffed animal to cuddle with?”
4. Make a decision to hold down the limits if necessary
   • Most kids don’t just comply with anticipation or choices, and might continue some protests even after connecting with their emotions. That’s normal too!
   • If your child protests despite being offered anticipation, choices and redirection - you can let them know that you will decide for them. “If you don’t decide, I’m going to decide for you and will carry you over to your bed”
   • Enforce the limit calmly and firmly. Use a soothing voice and try not to become angry or overwhelmed. Your child is looking for a sturdy leader they can like and trust. It’s important to remember that they are not intentionally trying to be difficult by testing the limits, but only displaying healthy development.
5. Support their emotions and co-regulate
   • When it comes to boundaries, there will be times when your toddler protests and cries loudly. And that’s ok. It’s not your role to control how your child feels.
   • It IS your role to offer them comfort and reassurance to help them handle the difficult emotions that arise. Your child needs your help to co-regulate their emotions and to make their difficult feelings more manageable.
   • How do you do this?
     1. Start with some slow deep breaths to calm yourself
     2. Help your child by naming their emotion and needs, and offer them physical comfort. A major part of emotional regulation is achieved by simply recognizing and naming the difficult feeling. Our children rely on us to do this for them. “I know you want to keep playing right now! It’s so fun right? You don’t want it to stop and you want your toy back!”. Helping them put words to their feelings and needs can help them to calm down.
        
        Once they seem less stressed, calmly explain that it’s now time for bed and they can play again in the morning. If they cry again, provide your child with further physical comfort while holding down the limit. Hold them while saying something like “I can see you’re sad and upset! Can I give you a hug?”
     3. Issues like bedtime resistance can sometimes be connected to other reasons, like separation anxiety or discomfort. Ensure your child’s needs are met by planning in quality time together before bed. If needed, get an assessment from your child’s doctor to rule out any illnesses.

When are boundaries really needed?

It can be helpful to think of a boundary as a non-negotiable situation. Imagine your toddler is engaging in activities that might harm them - such as stepping into a busy road with fast vehicles. This is a situation when you will step in and stop them, despite their loud protests. You might forcibly remove them from the harmful situation if necessary. That’s the level of conviction your toddler needs you to have in every situation that includes a boundary, combined with your calm and supportive presence.

This does not mean you need to put your foot down at all times. It means that you should try to think in advance of the limit you want to set and avoid changing your mind halfway. Choose your battles and ask yourself ‘Is this a limit I really need to set?’. If the answer is yes, make sure to follow through all the way and respond consistently every time. You don’t know it yet, but your child will thank you for it!

Always make sure to support your toddler's feelings and provide them comfort in any way that they need. They rely on you for this!

If you need further guidance or support with establishing boundaries, please contact us. The Mellow team is always here to help <3 - Contact Us